“Why do I attract guys with low self esteem?” This is a fairly common question among many women, and it is not too surprising considering that many people don’t really know themselves well enough – and this goes for both men and women.
This post is for you if you have always wondered why you end up with damaged, broken guys who have issues with their self-image or generally have low self-esteem.
I’ll share some of the main reasons low-quality men are always attracted to you and how you can stop this from reoccurring.
By the way, if you find yourself madly in love with a man who has low self-esteem, you might just be able to help him become a better person. This is especially the case if you see immense potential in him and are willing to assist him. I suggest you read my in-depth guide on how to help a man with low self-esteem.
Now, let’s get on with why men with low self-esteem tend to show up in your life. Here are the top reasons women usually end up with damaged guys.
You Don’t Love Yourself Enough
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Women who don’t love themselves enough tend to end up with men who aren’t right for them. You unconsciously go after men who are incapable of making you happy because you think you don’t deserve to be happy, and you are undeserving of being loved.
You need to start treating yourself with the type of love and care you deserve if you want others to reflect the same treatment back to you in your relationships.
That sounds pretty easy, but it is one of the most difficult things for many people.
Self-love is not the easiest concept to embrace. For many people, it is a lot easier to put others first and ignore their own needs.
What do you see when you look at yourself: your flaws, abilities, or both?
People who struggle with a lack of self-love have trouble seeing and embracing who they truly are – flaws and all.
It can be a lot difficult for someone else to love you the right way if you don’t love yourself just the way you are.
How do you know you are not giving yourself enough love?
Here are a few signs:
- You are overly concerned about what others think than your own opinion of yourself.
- You think caring for yourself and putting yourself first makes you selfish.
- You are afraid of hurting others by putting yourself first, or you are afraid of losing your important relationships if you love yourself.
- You are constantly putting yourself down.
- You think you don’t deserve to enjoy an amazing relationship.
- You simply don’t know how to be compassionate to yourself.
- You are holding on to your past mistakes and defining yourself by them.
You Are Afraid of Being Alone
How long ago was your last romantic relationship? What lessons have you learned from it? Have you healed?
Some women can’t stand not being with a man in their lives, so they move straight into a new relationship as soon as one ends.
In many cases, this is because they consider being single as a sad, lonely life.
But this is not always correct. Jumping right into a new relationship because you are afraid of being alone means you are settling for just about any guy, regardless of whether he is the type of person you want.
This pattern of behavior is common among people who rush into second (or third) marriages. As you may have guessed, the marriage or relationship doesn’t usually last too long.
You Have Low Self-Esteem
If you’re like most people, you must have heard the phrase, “Like attracts like.” This law isn’t limited to physics alone. It holds true for relationships, too.
Imagine a woman with healthy self-esteem enduring a relationship with a man who treats her with utmost disrespect.
Hard to imagine, right?
Women with high self-esteem would never give men the chance to treat them with disrespect, so there is no way that men with low self-esteem will ever find their way into their lives.
Think back to your high school days. Kids with high self-esteem hardly fall victim to bullies. That’s because the bully instinctively knows that their low self-esteem is no match for the healthy self-image of the other person with high self-esteem.
How do you know you have low self-esteem?
You’ll notice one or more of these signs:
- You make up excuses for tolerating disrespect from a man.
- You tell yourself that you are involved with a disrespectful man because you deserve it.
- You negatively joke about yourself, especially with regard to relationships.
- You think other people deserve better relationships, but not you.
- You go out of your way to please a man.
Here’s something to keep in mind.
You may achieve and accomplish great things, and people may generally think of you as a successful woman. However, you can have high self-esteem in other areas of your life and still suffer the effects of poor self-esteem when it comes to romantic relationships with men.
This is why it is important to keep challenging yourself in all areas of your life to help you become a well-rounded individual.
You Haven’t Learned From Your Past Mistakes
Every relationship you had in the past holds a valuable lesson for you. However, you’ll miss it and repeat similar mistakes if you don’t see your past relationships as learning experiences.
Take the time to reflect on your past relationships. Write down similar patterns you’ve observed and see what you need to do differently.
It is a clear indication that you haven’t learned something valuable if you keep having similar men showing up in your life.
You Ignore All the Red Flags
Men with low self-esteem or other issues show those signs early enough, but many women tend to ignore those signs.
What does he talk about when you’re together? Does he seem interested in your future together, or he’s more interested in getting in your pants?
A few other signs to look out for include:
- Not listening to you.
- Caring less about your goals or what’s important to you.
- Pressuring you into getting physical when you are not ready.
If something feels off about a guy, you probably should listen to your head (instead of your heart) and run!
You Don’t Really Know Yourself
If you keep attracting the wrong men into your life, you probably don’t know yourself well enough.
You’ve not invested time into understanding what makes you tick, why you fall flat for the wrong guys, and what your triggers are?
You must discover why you respond to damaged guys the way you do if you must get over your poor relationship pattern.
How to Attract Better Guys
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Now that we’ve answered the question, “Why do I attract guys with low self esteem?” it is only logical to know how to attract the right type of guys.
Here are seven tips on how to attract the right man into your life.
1. Be the Person You Would Want to Attract
Guys with high self-esteem will only feel attracted to ladies with high self-esteem. Remember that like attracts like, meaning we are always drawn to people who reflect back to us ourselves somehow.
Here’s another angle to look at it from.
If you want a gym kind of guy, you’ll have to become someone who loves to hit the gym or hang around the gym, at least.
You can’t spend your life holed up indoors if you want to attract an outdoorsy type of guy.
Get the gist?
Shift your focus away from merely wanting a certain type of person (in this case, a man with high self-esteem) and focus, instead, on becoming the person you want to attract – a high person with a high sense of self-worth, self-image, and self-confidence.
2. Be Yourself
Being yourself might sound contradictory to being the person you want to attract, but it is not.
Here’s what I mean by being yourself. Do not pretend to be something you are not. Don’t put up a false persona just to please a guy you want to attract.
It is okay to be imperfect. It is okay to laugh at your mistakes – it makes you human and lovable. It is also okay to maintain your cool under pressure if that’s fine with you.
Genuine guys with healthy self-image aren’t looking for “miss perfect.” They want to be in a relationship with someone with who they are free to be themselves with.
3. Know What You Want
Weed out damaged guys by being honest and direct about what you truly want in a relationship.
Don’t ever succumb to the incorrect notion that women shouldn’t be forward about what they want. You must know exactly what you want in a man and let them know it.
This way, those who aren’t really cut out for your standards will take a walk long before the relationship starts.
4. Improve Your Self-Esteem
Only a well-balanced woman can attract the right kind of man into her life. To do this, you must work on improving your self-esteem.
Many women make the mistake of looking for a man to “complete” them. No man can complete you!
You must be the best version of yourself first before you can attract someone who complements (not completes) you.
Real men are often drawn to self-assured women and not the fairy tale “damsel in distress.”
5. Enjoy Your Own Company
If you are just coming out of a relationship, don’t rush into another one. Learn to enjoy your own company.
Being an independent woman doesn’t only mean that you pay your bills. You need to be emotionally and mentally independent, too!
Stop thinking that being out of a relationship makes your life a sad one. Enjoy being single, and use that period to reflect on the lessons your past relationships have taught you about yourself.
It won’t be long before the right man comes along. And when he does, you’ll be an independent, confident, and well-rounded individual ready to build a healthy relationship.
6. Don’t Be a Desperate Woman
A man can smell desperation written all over a woman from several miles away. And guess what? Even guys with low self-esteem can easily recognize the signs of desperation in women.
It can be tempting to jump on the relationship bandwagon, especially if all your friends are in one.
But getting involved with a guy just because you don’t want to feel left out is often a huge mistake. You will likely end up in a relationship where you are not valued for who you are.
Don’t act desperate. Instead, use your time as a single lady to invest in yourself and upgrade your life.
You may want to consider:
- Hiring a coach to help you grow.
- Joining a personal development class.
- Attending seminars on relationships.
Just find a way to improve yourself while you are single. That’s how to make your next relationship a better one.
7. Be Open to Possibilities
While it is okay to have personal preferences in men, you might overlook the right man if you clench tightly onto a particular “type” of man.
Most young girls dream of “tall, dark, and handsome” guys, and that’s okay. But those men are usually found in the pages of romantic fiction, particularly written for women.
The ideal man may not possess any of the physical attributes that your “type” of man should have. However, he may have the right personality you’ve always wanted.
If you’ve always attracted the wrong men and wonder, “Why do I attract guys with low self esteem,” perhaps it is time to relax your physical preferences a bit. You might be pleasantly surprised that the ideal man has been staring you right in the face all along!